Here it is, Part III of the My Boyfriend Reviews Fragrances series. It’s been awhile since the last one (May!), but that’s because I had to hoard fragrance samples until I had enough. And I definitely met that quota–enough to make a Part IV as well. So, stayed tuned in the next coming weeks for another exciting yet vulgar post of fragrance reviews.
Warning to newcomers: there’s some/a lot of profanity here. My boyfriend is blunt and honest when it comes to smelling things, and he dislikes fragrances more often than not. If you don’t like foul language or the cold hard truth, turn back now.
Another note: sometimes we hit some repeats. But it’s okay, because he doesn’t remember, and at some point I’m going to do a comparison post. You’d be surprised at how consistent he is. Or how consistent he isn’t. Whatever.
Especially Escada Elixir: That’s rubbing alcohol. Is this a cologne? What is this supposed to be? It’s rubbing alcohol. I’m not saying it smells like rubbing alcohol, this IS rubbing alcohol. Smell it, it’s rubbing alcohol.
Harvey Prince Eau Flirt: Oh flirt. This smells like puke. Wait. Yeah, no that just smells like puke that someone put cleaner on. Oof. I feel like I’m holding a vial of puke. (“You liked that one last time.”) Well I don’t like it this time.
Tom Ford Noir (for men): Tom Ford Nwah. What the- this thing’s hard to open. Ah, this is gross. Smells like my grandfather’s aftershave. It also smells like one of those old churches.
Ralph Lauren Polo Blue (for men): Why are these so hard to open? God damnit. Failure. This smells like a cologne you would wear when you wanna wear a cologne but you don’t want anyone to notice it. This is a boring people cologne. This is what Ned Flanders wears.
Ralph Lauren Polo Blue Sport (for men): Ew. Actually this one doesn’t smell bad afterward. This is the other side of the boring coin. Except it’s a little grosser.
Britney Spears Fantasy: Smells like uh, tropical skittles. But… like it’s kinda weird but it smells like how a Warhead [hard candy] tastes.
Britney Spears Midnight Fantasy: Like, for literally no reason, this reminds me of a flower garden next to a pool. I don’t know anything about flowers or else I could give you a name. I think it’s a purple flower.
Estee Lauder Pleasures Pop: (laughs) Okay. This is the weirdest one. What I thought of. Okay, so… pretend you’re like hang-gliding. And you go over a wooded area, but you’re also like right about to be downwind from a ranch. It smells really airy, but it also smells a little bit like poopoo right afterwards. Not a lot, but just a little bit.
Givenchy Very Irrestible: Give-ench-y. Very ir-razz-is-ti-bull. Very ir-ris-ist-a-blay. Smells like a dinosaur museum. Smells like they have a diplodacus display or something. (“I don’t know how to spell that.”) Too bad.
Givenchy Dahlia Noir L’Eau: Dahlia Noir. Introducing Laaayuuu. It’s time for Layu. Limestone? I don’t know if limestone has a scent, but if it did I guess this is what it smells like in my brain?
Katy Perry Killer Queen: This smells like a bathroom with like 50 of those scented candles in it.
Azzaro Chrome (for men): What. Is. That. (looking at the ad; see opening image) Is that a son? Is that a boy? What is that? What? Okay, whatever. Smells like gym soap. They all smell like soap.
Azzaro Chrome United (for men): This smells like that Ralph Lauren Blue one. It’s just kinda, there. It’s also blue. I think they just rebottled the shit. Like anyone who hates Ralph Lauren can now choose Chrome United.
Oscar de la Renta Santo Domingo: Smells like some sort of candy. …………………………….. I know what this smells like. Sorry, this one took me awhile. When I bought Pokemon when I was 8 years old, the instruction manual always smelled … actually, I think I was 10. But it smelled just like this when you opened the pages. So I actually really like this.
Oscar de la Renta Coralina: This reminds me of the beach. This is like one of those ice cream places on the boardwalk that don’t exist a lot anymore. I think of like, seagulls. Weirdly enough.
Oscar de la Renta Sargasso: Fuck. Alright. I don’t like the spray thingies. Good God. That smells like a stinkbug. And also something floral. That’s weird. It’s like really awful, and not that bad at the same time, depending on what part I’m smelling.
Oscar de la Renta Granada: Lemon Pledge. It’s very lemon-y. It’s like Lemon Pledge and that lemon liquor we had that one time. Like mixed together. That’s lemon-y as shit.
Oscar de la Renta Oriental Lace: Oh that’s spicy-smelling, somehow. Oh crap, I got my nose on it. I don’t know if it’s possible to have like a… this is like the perfume version of an Asian stereotype. Somehow. Yeah. I think of like geishas and all that kinda stuff.
Oscar de la Renta Mi Corazon: This is a very Hot Topic-y scent. I think all the goth girls I knew in high school wore something like this. I think of like, Invader Zim quotes.
Estee Lauder Modern Muse: Modern Muse. Es-tee-ay Loader. Good– oh, my God. Why are there perfumes that smell like shit? Like I wonder if it’s me, because this is like the ninth one I’ve smelled so far that’s smelled like total shit. Like it’s not even perfume, it’s like a chemical. This smells like shit I’d throw into a beaker or something in a lab.
Coach Poppy Blossom: I like this one. Uh… yeah. I basically like this one. It smells like flowers but not like shit. Which is apparently really rare for a perfume these days.
Bvlgari Au The Vert: I like this one a lot, actually. This smells like, um… an English classroom in a really old school. Like where the pipes are still showing in the roof. This also smells like cleaning a pool. I think my dad actually wears this. It smells like something my dad wore. Yeah, this one’s nice.
DKNY Be Delicious: Yeah, that pretty much smells like apple. I don’t know why you wanna smell like apple… but you will with this. Is it like a schoolteacher thing you think?
Viktor & Rolf Spicebomb (for men): (laughs) I get it. Because it’s a bomb of spice. It looks like a grenade on the cover. That’s some marketing. Smells like uh, pumpkin spice. Smells like spice. Way to go Viktor and Rolf. You made it smell like a spice. No, that hella smells like spice. Why do you want to smell like spice? This is like male schoolteachers. Oh, on the other side it’s Flowerbomb. (“We’ve already done that.”) Oh, good. Because I bet it smells like a bomb of flowers.
I hope you enjoyed this round of MBRF! My darling kitten sure did. And I have no idea how she is trying to nap on a pile of samples. I got like super sick after doing this (headache, nausea, death) and I wasn’t even doing the primary smelling. I’ll just have to accept it, I guess. I’m weak.
I never want to smell anything again.